Hallelujah

run \ˈrən\ (verb)

2008-05-19T01:06:00.004-04:00

i've been thinking since thursday, since i went on the best run of my life, of how to describe it, to bring it to life by wrapping it in words. i haven't figured out how yet, so part of this will be an attempt.

i've just recently decided i like to run. actually, i decided when summer came and i started living at home that i wanted to run because it has this funny way of clearing out my mind and giving me focus. i wouldn't call myself a runner. i wouldn't even say i'm good at running. i just run, become clear, and learn how to focus.

this run, this best run, happened with jodi on a study break. the rain was pouring sideways out of the sky, but it only made sense to run, somehow. after suiting up, we jumped off the front porch into the wetness. within a few minutes my hair was soaked through and my shorts were clinging a little to my legs, but she said i can't run so then we just prayed and pushed our legs forward.

becoming empty
in the rain -- crying out to
Him who made it come.

but by saying it was the best run, i just can't really tell you the truth about the time and how God blessed it.
i am running still and more. hopefully this summer has some rain in the evenings, just enough for me to run.
__________

i am learning what good means. it is beautifully different than what i would have told you a year ago.
i cannot define God, cannot box him in, cannot say who he is or what he does.
only God can say. and he says what is good.

anything that God brings about for his glory.
in his will.
to make his beloved into more of who he created them to be.

he is the author and perfector.
let us fix our eyes on him.

Out of the depths of ruin untold
Into the peace of thy sheltering fold
Ever thy glorious face to behold

Jesus, I Come To Thee.

Team Poems

2008-04-29T23:41:00.003-04:00

Deep Calls Out to Deep
Psalm 42

Purple Clouds
pour themselves out
dousing the sky
glowing orange below.
Through the barren trees
the mist hangs
as the void between branches
creates a snapshot
of a part of the whole.
The clouds stretch down
grabbing for the green
grass green, beckoning
spring in, calling in beauty.

once jess, alison and i got to ride home from lebanon together. the drive to and from lebanon is so beautiful, a poem waiting to be written.
this night we wrapped some words around the pictures in our heads. together.

i'm just remembering the beauty of that night. spring, come back.

something about the ocean...

2008-03-09T01:08:00.003-05:00

lots of things are different and good in my life. some are the same.
i really love lebanon. period.
i'm excited for what the Lord is doing there and that, by his mercy, i am even allowed to see and be a part of what is going on.
i am nineteen years old now. i don't know if that's supposed to look/feel any different than eighteen. hopefully i'll figure that out with more than one day under my belt.

we went sledding on friday at pfeffer park. so great. riding in the front of the sled snow assaults your face, freezing your eyelashes and eyebrows for a second before melting or being brushed aside. i have missed sledding and playing in the snow. i'll remember that for next year.

and i'm going to cayo costa in a week. with some of my best friends. i cannot wait. sand and sun and ocean and the Lord and friends. sounds like the best week of my life [after young life camp?] =)

oh, hello there.

2008-01-27T21:50:00.001-05:00

LEBANON!!

tomorrow my life begins to look differently

2008-01-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

i can't recall how many times i was asked today are you excited?
or reminded that today is the last day i'm not a young life leader.
or anything along those lines.

it's sort of funny.
i don't know how i would forget.
i'm pretty pumped, in case you haven't yet asked me. ;)

i just talked with shan for a while about capernaum versus high school versus wyld life.
God receives all the glory and is in charge. whatever happens is GOOD.
i only must continue to remind myself of this. a lot.
going to any place, or even not getting placed (though i am, unless that is a big surprise for tomorrow!) if God calls me there, it will be good and for his glory.
and he will teach me. sometimes or maybe even always in hard ways. but he will teach me. i will see more of him and he will be glorified.

lots of truth.
i'm gonna read for a while.
and then spend some time lifting placement up with my friends.

apples to apples

2008-01-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

sometimes my family (plus brian knapp) plays apples to apples. sometimes i win.
sometimes i can manipulate my brother to write poetry to win.
like when his card was haiku, so i made him write a haiku to win.

here it is:

you are my sister
you are freaking awesome
pick mine, it's haiku.

somehow, i think i may be followed by a greater poet than myself.

a really good day

2008-01-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

it's been a really great day.

i went to the dentist. he said to keep up the good work. even though i don't work that hard on my teeth.
then ma and i went shopping. i got my ear pierced, ate chipotle, bought a new bible and a warm pair of boots for school.
then we went to the nephrologist. for the last time. it's just crazy how i've been healed. and i'm so thankful that God brought me here. i'm so thankful for the disease, and even more thankful to be healthy. i don't think i would appreciate health at all if there weren't ever a time when i was not healthy. i mean, i could have someone elses' kidneys inside me right now, but God didn't want me there [something i'm glad for now, but would have been thankful to have functional kidneys].
anyway,
dr. patterson is one of my favorite people ever. he really has always cared about everything that's going on in my life. today he asked what i did over new years, and actually listened with his eyes and cared. and he was checking up on my gpa and making sure i'm a good kid [sorta funny, yeah]. he came into the exam room and wrote down my blood pressure and looked at all the results from the last appointment and then he said well, it's been a long journey. yep. december 2001 was the first biopsy and then another one in march 2004. and i just don't know what i can do for you anymore. i'd like to keep you as a patient, but you don't need us anymore. and i've never had a patient clear up so well; i don't really know what else we could ever do for you. so i've gotta talk to the team, but let's just say we're signing off on your case.
i just know that i see so much more of God's mercy because of this. and how he is redeeming and restoring everything to himself.
and i got to have coffee with aaron hibbard tonight. he's really great and growing older. a senior at lee. and just encouraging. it was so good to spend some time with him tonight. God definitely encouraged both of us. it was good.
Jesus is beautiful.

old navy

2007-12-26T19:41:00.000-05:00

so i work at old navy. and actually i'm one of three people i think who has worked at the store in bridgewater falls since it opened. maybe lame, maybe not. but sometimes i get an ego and think i know it all -- i definitely don't, cause i mess up all the time at work, so days like today are good. i worked a 5a to 2p shift today. not so much fun. woke up at 4 am. (good thing i went to bed at 930 last night and actually fell asleep then!) there were probably five women working at the same time as me; they're all really sweet ladies.

so my manager started to divvy up the jobs, and i ended up cleaning the bathrooms. here's my point: cleaning bathrooms is sorta gross and really humbling. cleaning toilets, sinks, filling toilet paper rolls, disinfecting everything -- and i mean everything -- and mopping.

and the whole time by myself. so from 5a-7a i had some humbling time in solitude, reminding myself that if i give this to God, it's for the kingdom and not in vain. and praying coherently that early while cleaning toilets is hard, but really good for self-control.

anyway. it was a crazy day at old navy today. not like day-after-thanksgiving-crazy, but a few steps below. but i liked it. and i really liked the nap after work too.

Amazing Grace

2007-12-20T14:15:00.000-05:00

it's good. i promise. the movie is too.

i've really been thinking a lot about how my views of God and of myself are just completely off. and how as they change, my life will be transformed and God will be glorified. right now, this is my prayer.

sometimes i just like to vomit what has made me think

2007-12-18T01:43:00.000-05:00

While Paul was waiting for them in Athens, he was greatly distressed to see that the city was full of idols. So he reasoned in the synagogue with the Jews and the God-fearing Greeks, as well as in the marketplace day by day with those who happened to be there. A group of Epicurean and Stoic philosophers began to dispute with him. Some of them asked, "What is this babbler trying to say?" Others remarked, "He seems to be advocating foreign gods." They said this because Paul was preaching the good news about Jesus and the resurrection. Then they took him and brought him to a meeting of the Areopagus, where they said to him, "May we know what this new teaching is that you are presenting? You are bringing some strange ideas to our ears, and we want to know what they mean." (All the Athenians and the foreigners who lived there spent their time doing nothing but talking about and listening to the latest ideas.)

Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: "Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you.

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

"Therefore since we are God's offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by man's design and skill. In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent. For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to all men by raising him from the dead."

When they heard about the resurrection of the dead, some of them sneered, but others said, "We want to hear you again on this subject." At that, Paul left the Council. A few men became followers of Paul and believed. Among them was Dionysius, a member of the Areopagus, also a woman named Damaris, and a number of others.

-Acts 17:16-34

freshman year thus far

2007-12-14T03:37:00.000-05:00

i would go ahead and say exam week is nice. especially when you took your last exam on tuesday, so you can just hang out in oxford with people you love and not even think about the homework or studying you should be doing.
that's sorta what my week has looked like. and it's been beautiful.

hours at kofenya watching my friends study, or even studying for hours upon hours at the treehouse just in the company of people i love, it's been so good.

today though, i started off with shawshank redemption with nicole. she had never seen it. yeah, it was a good start to the day. then kofenya for the rest of the day with a few interruptions of dropping friends off and picking them up for their exams. and i crocheted for a while and made posters for a while. and talked and hung out for a while.

the end of the night, sam, alex, devon and i sat at a table and just talked for a long time. it was really fun. i don't even know exactly what we talked about. random things. but good things. friends are good assets. =]

and late devon and i drove out to hueston woods on dark country roads surrounded by trees because there was a meteor shower tonight, but the sky was too much like coffee-color to see anything past the clouds. but sitting in the lodge parking lot with the headlights and my shoes off really was good. talking for a while. just good.

and a few times we just sat and we were. we didn't talk, but instead let the silence fill us up. 3 am in the hueston woods lodge parking lot is incredibly silent. maybe more than i've ever known. my ears rung with silence and were filled up with it. it was beautifully deafening. i really encourage that you find some silence. some real silence. just be for a while in it. turn off your ipod, cell phone, macbook, get away from the traffic of the city and just listen. God may surprise you.

it's really beautiful. days like this should happen more often. for sure. and i'm going to make them.

and by the way...

2007-12-05T15:51:00.000-05:00

my family likes to bond often.
i know some families don't spend time together, but we do. we are crazy for one another, always loving to see each other and plan fun family fun nights. apples to apples is a likely choice. or a ping-pong tournament. or any other things on our list of fun.

and though we may seem slightly reserved, we're not. we are creative and sorta crazy.
for example

yeah, i bet you thought you'd never see the haker family in that light.
i've learned from the best.

snow

2007-12-05T00:13:00.000-05:00

the first snow of the season began tonight.

in case you're wondering, and i'm sure you are, yes, sam and i did frolic in the first snow of the season at midnight.
there is a possibility of there being two to four inches of snow tonight and tomorrow morning.
snow is just beautiful. the flakes falling lightly onto your skin when you frolic and melting with the warmth, it's glorious. it feels so clean.

and:
"Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." -isaiah 1:18

almost unbelievable.
amazing grace! how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. i once was lost but now am found, was blind but now i see.

i just keep reading and re-reading..

2007-11-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

i just keep reading and feeling called to re-reading romans 3. i just can't stop really. it's so good. mostly verses 21 through 26.
here goes:

but now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. this righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. there is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. he did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forebearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished -- he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

just being reminded of this beingmaderightwithGod that is not my own doing AT ALL constantly is so good for me. i always need to be reminded that i cannot earn my rightness with God. no matter how many times i read or hear this, it seems within a few hours, i've forgotten already that no matter what i do -- be it good or bad -- i cannot change my position with God. i can be more intimate with him, spend more time with him, know him more fully, but i cannot change my being right with him.

hallelujah.

and sam asked me to write her a poem. sometimes it's hard to write a poem when someone asks, like naomi shihab nye's poem valentine for earnest mann, but i do want to write one for her. it just make take quite a while.

it sometimes makes me nervous when people want to read my writing -- my real writing -- or ask me to write them poems. i don't think i'm a fantastic writer, i need my writing to get much stronger, but i want to teach english, so i'm sometimes worried people will really judge my writing on account of what i want in the future. hopefully sam will not. i don't think she will.

thanksgiving break begins tomorrow. it's so great. love it. i can't wait to spend time with family and friends back home. fantastic.

peace.

fall beauty

2007-10-29T23:51:00.000-04:00

lauren and i went exploring today in the woods between ditmer and western campus. we had a really fun time with the trees and leaves. and lauren found some deer pellets that she was interested in. =] i love my friends.
it was so beautiful out there. nature really makes my heart ache for God. his creation is so beautiful; i just really see his care and love in his creation.

more importantly i've been reading and re-reading isaiah 53. it's so good. also makes my heart ache. all the time i cannot believe what Jesus endured to redeem his wretched creation. and all for his glory.

you ought to read it. actually, i'll put it on here.

Isaiah 53

1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied ;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

Our Savior is great.

often i must remind myself

2007-10-13T19:42:00.000-04:00

you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

-romans 5:6-8

frequently i have to have to remind myself that i am not my own, that i have been bought at a price, a high price, much higher than i was worth when bought. i have to remind myself that i was bought by the precious blood of Christ, when i myself was of no use to God, when i was writhing with pleasure in my own sin. that Christ took on the curse from we who are cursed, because he must take our sin into his own hands. and that i have been called to lay my life down at the cross and have Christ live through me. bought at a price, given fellowship with the Lord, and called to preach from the rooftops the love granted humanity by Christ's blood.

and when i want to go my own way, when things that Christ calls me to aren't in my fleshy plan, i must remind myself that i have the pleasure, the blessing, of being called the Lord's beloved, a crown of splendor in His hand. and why would i not seek after Christ, and also his path planned for me, even when i don't know exactly the next short-term destination; i however, know the way to my final goal and where i am called to: Christ and Christ alone. we are not promised a map showing us our life-pathway, but we are promised that if we just follow Jesus, he will get us where we need to go, to himself.

Jesus, folks, is all we need.

nov. 11, 2006 skies

2007-10-11T14:50:00.000-04:00

fall weekend is coming up soon enough.
nlt is work crew. i'm psyched.

bright stars claim
the cold sky and we
know where we're from

sorry

2007-09-30T22:23:00.001-04:00

shan made me aware that i haven't written in a while.
i moved to college. i'm starting nlt. i've been going to the oaks. my brother goes too. my parents went last weekend as a surprise. i'm making new good friends. i'm about to start bible study.

but this is more important: i just flipped to a chapter of isaiah and this is what i read.

To whom, then, will you compare God?
What image will you compare him to?
As for an idol, a craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and fashions silver chains for it.
A man too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot.
He looks for a skilled craftsman
to set up an idol that will not topple.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

-isaiah 40:18-31

God is huge and powerful.
Jehovah.
God is the I am.
big.

monday is for photos!!

2007-08-27T21:31:00.000-04:00

dead skin cells

2007-08-14T19:11:00.000-04:00

i don't have anything really solid to say.
i'm moving into miami on thursday. less than two days. it's a weird good feeling i think. i'm excited for my living situation. i'm excited for the community.

my family went to lake cumberland last weekend. my face got really burned. dead skin cells all over. it's peeling off slowly though, revealing good living skin underneath. sometimes i think that's how life is..

family church trip

2007-07-23T10:29:00.000-04:00

yesterday my whole family went to church together. it doesn't happen often, but my brother said he wanted to go(!) and my dad said why not. so, off goes the haker family traipsing on to st. john's in middletown.

there was a guest priest and God spoke so much through him. his homily was sorta lengthy, but it was soo good. we read about abraham serving three people (angels in disguise?) and they promised that sarah would be holding a son in a year. then we read from colossians. lastly, we read from luke. it's when jesus stops in at mary and martha's house; martha runs around like a chicken with her head cut off, trying to prepare for their guest while mary just sits at his feet in worship. being human, martha gets pissed and tells jesus to tell mary to get up and help. but jesus says mary has chosen the better route, and it will not be taken from her.

the priest said, we live crazy chaotic lives, often running around like our heads have been cut off. but jesus offers a better route, to sit and worship him. and instead of saying, jesus, your servant is here, listen to me, we are offered the opportunity so say jesus, your servant is here and listening. and that really if prayer and listening to God shape our lives, they may be chaotic but we are at peace with Jesus. no matter who is yelling at us to get up and make preparations.

this i thought was pretty clutch, and so did my mom. after church we were walking across a crosswalk and mom said, yeah, that was a really good mass. and she totally meant the homily. i want to talk to her more about it, maybe today. =]

and then last night i asked joey what he thought of church yesterday. he said it was good he guessed. and i asked about the homily, he didn't really react. i told him a little more about abraham and i'm not really sure if he was really interested in that story that much, but maybe.

then after a couple minutes he said, you know, yesterday i realized something.
the missalettes, those aren't just random stories or letters or essays.
i saw the verses yesterday and they're from the bible.

yeah. little things, but big things.

sarah with beautiful eyes and from pink stucco.

2007-07-11T01:11:00.000-04:00

i had bible study tonight. it was good. 2 corinthians 1. i like 2 corinthians and i've never studied in in a group setting, so i'm excited. and i love seleste and lindsay and andrea. they were there tonight. it was good.

whenever i think of people who i wish i could read their blogs all the time [mind you, these are people who do not have a blog already] sarah is always at the top of my list. and i told her that tonight. she said maybe, i think.

and whenever we talk about writing, sarah says wise things, filled with imagery. because sometimes she takes long breaks in between writing her poems, and says things like, i feel a good one coming under my skin. and i think that i may have to borrow that line and write about writing a poem that i don't know the words to yet, but that i can feel bubbling under my skin, like a pimple about to break through into the world, for everyone to see.

and then sarah asks if i've written anything lately and even if i'm not sure if they're good she asks to read them and i'm never nervous to let her read them because she is honest but never too harsh. but when she tells me about poems, she just makes me want to write more and more. and i shared one with her tonight that I wrote and have been going back to at random times and fixing things that stick out.

this is not that poem. in fact, it's a short, simple not even important poem. but for some reason i like it. so here goes.

sometimes i just
want to write a poem
because the words flow
from my pen much better
this way.

that's all. have a beautiful evening.

beauty and truth

2007-07-06T02:13:00.000-04:00

i just got home [okay, more than 15 hours ago got home] from one of the most beautiful places in the world.

rockbridge alum springs. young life camp extraordinaire.

quite, quite beautiful.
and possibly the most beautiful part of camp is that there are four new lovers of the Lord at edgewood high school.

one of them is my brother.
huzzah.

jones

2007-06-16T23:56:00.000-04:00

i've bought two jones sodas in the last week. both new flavors. sometimes i just like to try new things. sometimes i just feel like, after working a long shift, i deserve to treat myself to a special treat. and i've been working a hecka lot of long shifts. ;]

when i pick out a jones, my first decision is always which flavors i have NO desire for, usually cream soda or root beer. then i look at the pictures. the pictures are always key.

so the two pictures i've gotten are so great. both of small children. a little girl leaning back on a swing (YEAH!) and a little boy wearing glasses getting sloppy kisses from his pet dog. there is so much happiness in the small black and white frames.

and the caps, if you're lucky, sometimes have a smidge of wisdom. sometimes they say silly things like "plant a tree" which is sort of wise if you think for a long time. we could probably use some more oxygen from that little baby tree i may just plant sometime soon. and i do like to sit with my back to tall fully grown trees and read or write or just be.

the other cap i got though is better i think. it says: valuable information will be supplied by a child. at first when i read that, i laughed a little gurgle in the back of my throat. but then i realized what Jesus said:

"People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." -Luke 18:15-17

so, i'm pretty sure i want to learn about how these little children receive the kingdom of God... =] there's a connection here. don't worry. may be a rough connection, but i've got it.

we had a haker family movie night this evening. we watched the pursuit of happyness. it was so good. so very very good. hard and good and difficult to watch sometimes.
this man had an intense life. he'd spent his life-savings on these machines that were supposed to make his life great if he just sold them; they were supposed to move quickly and for a lot of money. but that back-fired. they seemed to be too expensive for others to buy and what could he do with them, but sell them? nothing. and he has to leave his home, his wife walks out on him, he pays everything he has toward parking tickets and then the little he scrounges up, the IRS takes because of taxes. he takes an internship, a non-paid full-time job to work so hard to maybe get a good job later. no promises.
and he pulls through. he and his little boy, christopher, have to live in a homeless shelter for a while, working hard hard hard to pull ends closer, though never fully making them meet. and this guy works his butt off for just the chance, just a chance for better. sorta made me sick to my stomach, watching a movie in my fully-finished nice basement on a brand new couch on a brand new big screen tv about this real man who worked with literally every fiber of his being to make it, to just get a chance, to know something better.
i found myself half-wishing i was in the same shoes. always i think i am down to rock-bottom. i might have a depressing stage and think i am at the worst. and always i depend on God during those times. also disgusting. why does it take that? why can't i just trust him with my whole being all the time?! there's so much further down i could go though, and how much more would i realize my need for Jesus?

really, at the end of the day, i just want to know how much i need Jesus.

El concierto

2007-06-08T23:34:00.001-04:00

tonight was the pw gopal/bethany dillon concert. it was great. seriously great. you should have been there. really. the sorg is such a beautiful place. i can only imagine what it was like back in the day when it was first built, when those beautiful velvet curtains first were hung and the seats were just put in. and the vision for the place these new owners have, well it's beautiful. and the vision for the city the oaks church has, it's just from God.

but the concert tonight, started with pw. great. he is just so great. i'd never heard him live before and his voice really warms my insides. not in a creepy way. in a great way. i described it to my mom like melting chocolate and a warm wool blanket: warm and smooth with an occasional raspy quality. and he told good stories and played great songs.

then bethany dillon started with a funny story about getting sprayed by the toilet at the sorg. and then started playing. her songs are so much inspired by God. the stories she told really resonated with me. i just wanted to spend a lot of time with God.

and near the end she played three or four worship songs and asked everyone to please sing with her. and we did. so i sang but instead of just with my voice it was really with my whole being, giving my whole self over to God. and my head pulled itself to my knees as my eyes closed and the world disappeared. i was singing and only God and i were there. i wasn't at a concert, not sitting in the same opera house as 100 other people. only God and i. and when we were finished i only hungered for God. so i stayed with God for a while and prayed and then went back to the concert. but it was beautiful and i want to be with him more like that.

that post was more for me than for anything else. to figure things out in my head and love and love and love.

thanks.

ps. i met bethany dillon tonight. said thank you. and to please continue letting God work through her, because those works are great. and she is such a sweet girl, only a little older than me. incredible. and asap i'm going to buy her new cd, because the music is good stuff. =] waking up..

post.

2007-06-02T18:26:00.000-04:00

shannon said she was very disappointed when i hadn't posted for a while. it's actually only been a week or so, but i figure i graduated last night, so i probably have something to write about.

i was invited to sit amongst great company (ie. the board of education, guest speaker and the valedictorian, salutatorian/class president, and our wonderful school administrators) on stage for graduation. mr. buchheim asked me to give the "invocation", although he's not officially allowed to call it that anymore. it was tricky to write, because the speech was supposed to honor God, but i wasn't allowed to say God, Jesus or pray.

this was the first time i've ever been censored about my faith. it was really hard and frustrating. it made me really appreciate being able to honestly and completely share Jesus with people all the time. i couldn't imagine living in, say, China, where you cannot always share the Gospel and may be persecuted for it. but i also know that not being allowed to say those things just pushed me even more to share the gospel in words that wouldn't be completely considered illegal by the state, but that the audience knew exactly who i was talking about. i had to be very careful with my words, paying special attention to each word, praying that this word over another possible one really emitted the aroma i was trying to share.

shannon said a verse from matthew to me. matthew 10:16
i am sending you out like sheep among wolves. therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

God works in miraculous ways. =]

ps. i am now an edgewood high school alumnus.

label?

2007-05-24T16:12:00.000-04:00

no longer am i a high school student. i graduate on june first, party on june tenth, but today was my last day of class. no finals for me.

today was a wonderful day. we spent most of the day talking, taking pictures, writing love notes to friends, dancing and eating. i wish all days were like today. except i ate way too much and my stomach is making me pay for it now.

during my ap-english 12 class, the class i've been in with basically the same people since SIXTH grade, i was sad. but only a little. we shared soundtracks to our lives and they were beautiful. and we listened to sandstorm (only the greatest techno dance song EVER) and everytime we touch (another pretty good techno song) and jumped around the room flailing, laughing and enjoying one another's company.

and the sophomores apparently played a prank. they put the song "loving you" on the loudspeaker just loud enough to cause a raucous, but quiet enough that you had to listen pretty hard to realize there was music playing. sort of that stage where you're not sure if your mind is playing tricks on you or not. it was brilliant. brilliant. =] but dancing around my english class made me realize how blessed i have been in there, to be surrounded by so many great friends. i'm going to sincerely miss them. and mrs simpson.

i guess this is just a reflective point in my life. but i don't want to do too much reflecting right now, or else the tears will flow, i think. not because i'm sad. okay, maybe a little sad. but i'm so excited to move on. it's a weird sensation.

like walking to our lockers from cultured foods last period, seleste, emily and i couldn't say anything besides this is weird, this is weird. and i sorta feel like that's where i'm at right now. in between. that awkward stage where you don't know what you call yourself. likened to when i was a preteen. not a child, not an adolescent. i'm not a senior, but i'm not a freshman either. what do i call myself right now?

just some random thoughts from the day, inspired by my last day of class. you know.

flowing water

2007-05-15T22:34:00.000-04:00

something about running water pumps life into my veins. maybe it is because jesus talks about living water flowing through our veins, pumping life into us. when i hear running water, i am just as such a peace. my eyes beg to close and my mind hopes to check out so my soul can just be and be.

for mother's day, we bought ma a fountain for the back porch. it looks like a white picket fence with a spout, water constantly flowing into a pot of fake flowers. the noise is beautiful. i sat outside on the porch for a while listening to it, feeling the breeze on my face. jesus is so present in every day life. i love that he shows himself to me all the time through such simple gestures, but they are the moments that mean the most to me.

where there is flowing water: those are the places i want to be.

rockbridge
lake champ
my back porch
the rain
florida

in my heart, i want living water to always be flowing because i have hope in my living Savior.
always that is what i want.
always.

just saying

2007-05-06T14:57:00.000-04:00

you should probably go see spiderman 3.
just saying, is all.
but it's pretty great. and you will like it.
i promise.

have great days.

honey bunch

2007-04-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

today my ma and i went shopping together. we got my prom dress. we also went to the grocery and bought random things as well as things for my cultured foods project.

we bought honey for my tea. in a bear container. is there anything much greater than that?

didn't think so.

and this is from dannie's wedding shower. with tristen. trist on the left, me on the right.
also a favorite. i'm not exactly sure why yet. just is.

paz a ustedes.

that's all

2007-04-23T23:22:00.000-04:00

all i ever need to do is sing with my voice raised to God.
sing praise.
sing for help.
sing in my heart.
sing with my eyes.
sing to know him more.
sing to be rescued from this.
sing to thank him for everything.

just sing to my God. the one true God who has redeemed me, turned my life around and loves me.

i'm really digging 1 peter lately. God knows that, too.
i got baptized over spring break. in the ocean. when maren prayed for me, God told her to make me know 1 peter 1:9 (10 also and 24-25, but especially 9)
it says:

but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

sharing a set of bunks

2007-04-15T22:02:00.000-04:00

i have a roommate for next year, for sure. i'm really excited about it. she loves jesus a lot.

i keep realizing how much i love my brother. more and more each day i think. it's really too bad that we haven't been great friends for longer. we bond now. it's great. i'm going to miss him a lot, probably more than my parents.

i don't have much to write about right now.

i think i just want to go read about jesus. g'night.

the ocean

2007-04-12T10:45:00.000-04:00

i'm in naples, florida for the week for spring break with maren and jodi. we're staying with maren's grandma and jodi and i have adopted her as our own. she's so sweet. ever since we walked through the door, she's welcomed us with everything. she had church choir practice last night and came home so excited; she knocked out a few notes and laughed about a song in latin that sounds like gibberish to her. every morning she reads to us from two devotionals she has and talks to us about them. she took us to the mall yesterday and had a short conversation with a man she didn't know in the car parked next to us. she actually cared in the conversation, it wasn't just a talk and go. she cared. i like being here.

i really don't have a whole lot to say. just a few random thoughts i have.

now i must go be a nurse for a sick mare-mare. have great days, everyone. =]

poetry is a trestle

2007-04-03T17:58:00.000-04:00

so since shan made me get one of these, apparently they are more grown-up blogs than xanga. i don't know what that means, but i'm following suit.

i like poetry. a lot of my favorite poets write about poetry. and i think their words really make sense regarding what poetry is and how my heart looks when spilled on paper.

nikki giovanni wrote that poetry is a trestle and naomi shihab nye wrote that poems hide; we must live our lives in a way that lets us find them..

and i think both those things are very true.

but i think more that poetry is your heart splitting open, granting others permission to poke and prod around, deciding what's going on in there. it's usually hard to share poems that are the deepest parts of your heart, because you don't want anyone to tell you that your heart is stupid or doesn't make sense, or that the rhyme scheme is all wrong. but once you do share the depths, there's no turning back.

last night at club shannon said God wrapped his son in skin to save us from our own fears that had been/are killing us.

in the New Living Translation of the Bible, Ephesians 2:10 says: "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

masterpiece. poetry. what God has made of us. we are on God's heart all the time. and that is a miracle.